Scientists Discover New Form of Matter Inside Office Refrigerator

The substance is older than the accounting department and appears to respond defensively to labels.

By Dana BylineDecember 31, 1969 at 9:15 AM1 min readSatire

A stainless steel refrigerator in a clean kitchen — A scene recreated after everyone involved declined to remember it clearly.Photo illustration / The National Misprint

GENEVA — Physicists announced Wednesday that a container found behind six yogurt cups in an office refrigerator represents a previously unknown state of matter.

The object, labeled “TUESDAY,” cannot be cut, heated, frozen, or assigned to a current employee.

Questions remain

Researchers believe the substance emits a low hum whenever someone asks whose it is. Initial carbon dating placed its origin between the company picnic and the last printer upgrade.

“It is neither solid, liquid, gas, nor anyone’s responsibility,” said Dr. Amara Singh.

The discovery will remain in the refrigerator until facilities returns from vacation.

This is satire. This story is fictional. Any resemblance to actual events is an unfortunate scheduling coincidence.