HOUSTON, TX—Following years of complaints about its offensive language, slick remarks, and complete disregard for personal boundaries, crude oil has enrolled in an intensive etiquette course designed to help it become more refined.
The six-week program, titled “From Crude to Refined: Basic Decency for Fossil Fuels,” is being held at a Houston-area refinery. Instructors say the course is intended for petroleum products that are naturally unfiltered but would like to function more appropriately in polite society.
“Crude oil has spent millions of years underground with almost no social interaction,” etiquette instructor Margaret Wellborne explained. “You cannot simply pull it out of the earth and expect it to understand table manners.”
According to Wellborne, crude oil’s most serious behavioral problems include spilling everywhere and expecting someone else to clean it up, making inappropriate comments about premium-grade assets, and becoming dangerously volatile whenever the slightest pressure is applied.
Classroom lessons include respecting environmental boundaries, keeping slick comments to oneself, controlling explosive reactions, and learning to accept criticism without immediately reaching a boiling point.
During one recent session, participants practiced entering a room without leaving a greasy residue on everything they touched. They were also taught to stop describing their unpleasant behavior as “a natural resource.”
“I used to think being unfiltered made me authentic,” one barrel admitted during a group exercise. “Now I realize it mostly made me toxic and exhausting to be around.”
Not every participant has embraced the program. Several barrels were removed from class Tuesday after becoming heated during a discussion about personal responsibility. One reportedly left a large stain on its chair and insisted the mess was “just part of doing business.”
Another participant was reprimanded for repeatedly calling female classmates “premium grade” and asking whether they came there often.
“We are trying to teach these barrels that a slick delivery does not make an inappropriate comment acceptable,” Wellborne said. “Unfortunately, many of them still believe they can lubricate their way out of accountability.”
Despite the challenges, instructors remain hopeful that most participants will complete the refining process and emerge as productive members of society.
Graduates will receive certificates recognizing them as gasoline, diesel fuel, kerosene, or jet fuel, depending on their performance and general level of combustibility.
Unfortunately, the program’s first graduate was arrested less than an hour after commencement when it became involved in a dispute at a gas station and threatened to ignite everyone in the building.
“Well,” Wellborne said, “you can refine the oil, but you cannot always change what is inside the barrel.”
