Culture
Study Finds 94 Percent of Group Projects Completed by One Exhausted Person
The remaining six percent consisted of messages asking whether the presentation was due tonight.
Latest
Developments, unfortunately.
Nation
Man Who Skipped Instructions Shocked by Completely Predictable Outcome
Witnesses said he remained confident through step seven, which he believed was probably optional.
Local
Local Man Announces Five-Year Plan to Finally Reply to Email
The strategic roadmap begins with rereading the message and thinking of a friendly opening sentence.
Technology
Smart Toaster Refuses Bagel After Detecting ‘Low-Value Breakfast Strategy’
The appliance recommended a 30-minute discovery call before accepting additional carbohydrates.
Sports
Coach Credits Victory to Players Ignoring Entire Halftime Speech
The team rallied after quietly agreeing the diagram on the whiteboard could not be legally considered a play.
Opinion
Opinion: I Have Reviewed Both Sides and Selected the One I Already Believed
After careful consideration, the evidence has once again arrived at my exact starting position.